The past few weeks I’ve been depressed. I felt it creep in masked as self doubt, a lack of compassion. I didn’t trust my intuition. I basically gave up reading my cards. I felt like I needed to learn more. I need to learn the “right” way to do this or that. I started to feel trapped. I wasn’t enjoying or finding joy in anything. Spring has finally made its way to the U.P., something I’ve been looking forward to for six months, and I couldn’t even enjoy that. Any small kindness shown to me had me in tears because I felt like I didn’t deserve it, and I didn’t know how to repay it. Because nothing I did was enough. Everyone deserves the very best I can give and I felt like I couldn’t give anything. I finally realized how deep the depression was last week when physical touch was too much. When I was begging for help but no one knew how to to help. When even if given a reprieve from taking care of my children, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I realize how little I have outside of my home, and how little my life is actually mine to live.
My life should belong to my family. That was a decision my husband and I made when we had kids. I’m a stay at home mom. It is my main purpose in life for the next fourteen years, until our youngest is grown. We all need things in our lives to fulfill us on a personal and soul deep level. And **I** have been lost and drowning on my parenting journey.
For the past couple of months the theme of ‘powerlessness’ has been coming up for me. I’m a compulsive over eater. I’m a food addict. Admitting our powerlessness is step #1 in Overeaters Anonymous. When I recognized the pattern to this theme I took steps to admit and acknowledge my powerlessness. The Serenity Prayer is my favorite mantra/affirmation/prayer.
I tried to follow where I felt like I was being led. Get in control of my eating. It didn’t work. Yes, I lost a few pounds, became more mindful of what I was putting in my mouth and the impact it has on my body. All good things. But it wasn’t solving my problems. I was still lost. Still confused. Still depressed and sinking deeper.
My daughter, bless her beautiful heart, forced me out of the house. We cleaned the front porch. I raked up some of the yard. I grounded. It was still way too much. I surrendered. I gave into the depression. I cried. I pushed people away. I blamed people for the deep and dark I was feeling. I sank into it. I felt it.
I was thinking of starting back on an anti-depressant. My gut was telling me it wasn’t the right path this time around. That there was something here. Something I was on the verge of discovering. A lesson.
Yesterday while chatting with one of my very best friends, I decided to pull some cards for myself.
Talk about an A-HA moment. The cards helped me realize I was fighting my thoughts instead of working with them. WHAT???? I gotta quit fighting my feelings. I’m entitled to them. I’m allowed to feel them. I am not my own enemy.
Now that the depression is lifting, and the fog is clearing little by little I realized that powerlessness hasn’t been the theme I was recognizing. The message coming to me was actually about taking back my own power.
As spiritualists we’ve come to rely on our guides and angels to help us on our journey. When we feel alone, when we are not receiving guidance the way we’ve grown accustomed to, we know we’re not really alone. I become frustrated though, and tend to feel blocked in some way. Like “What am I doing wrong that I’m not receiving guidance?” Today I realized I’m not blocked. I’m not alone. The quiet time was for me to realize that the power is mine to reclaim.
I took time to myself yesterday. I went grocery shopping sans kids. I ate a snack in the car while cruising facebook sans kids. I was gloriously alone for three hours. This morning I brought my daughter to school, drank my coffee while watching April the Giraffe. I caught last night’s Talking Dead to recap the season finale. I watched an old episode of Sons of Anarchy. There are always chores to do, but I decided they could wait. I just needed to breath and drop the worry. Take a few hours to myself.
I’ve also decided to take an online tarot class. It is for super beginners, but I’m very happy with it. It is an awesome refresher and it is great to learn other readers takes on the cards, reading techniques. and I really enjoy the sisterhood with other readers. I’m doing this for ME. If I don’t have time or freedom to pursue my interests outside of the home, I’m going to pursue them here. I’m also moving forward with my plans for my ideal outdoor space, and using a part of the yard no one else likes but I love. Yesterday, the kids and I took a short walk in the woods. The oldest running away anytime I pulled out my phone to take pics, and the youngest following the deer tracks and playing with sticks while wearing her pretty Minnie Mouse dress and bright pink mud boots. These small things will add up to a bigger sense of self fulfillment. I’m claiming power over what I can control, and letting go of what I can’t.
I can’t control my depression. I can’t fight it anymore. I know I will come out on the other side and have learned something about myself in the meantime. I know Spirit will lift me up when I can’t lift myself. Even if I’m so lost at the moment that I can’t recognize it.
(*disclaimer* mental illness is a real life issue that needs to be taken very seriously. Please, if you are suffering seek medical attention, and talk to someone you trust.)